Here’s the trailer for Lindsay Lohan‘s new docu-series which makes the trailer for Transformers 4 look like the most realistic shit you’ll see all morning. More importantly, it further proves that Lindsay will do literally anything for money including letting Oprah treat her like a dog she’s trying to house break if dogs loved coke instead of Snausages. Because for $2 million you’re damn sure Oprah got final edit, so we might finally get to see a baby get run over. Is it wrong that I’m quivering? Because I’m quivering.
Here’s the full-length trailer for Transformers: Age of Extinction which surprisingly is not about Mark Wahlberg stopping 9/11 while riding a robot dinosaur (a euphemism for the awesomeness of non-masturbatory vaginal sex if there ever was one), so whoever wrote it can fuck themselves in the face until they get throat cancer and die. That’s the politest way I can put that.
“Now that my lovely assistant Betsy Bovine has gathered you all here, let’s kill The Bat! Wack! WACK-WACK-WACK-WACK!”
Last week, Kim Kardashian accepted $500,000 of Richard Lugner‘s money to be his date to Vienna’s annual Opera Ball because her mother raised her to be a prostitute, and I can’t believe I had to spell that out for you. Except there’s the matter of being engaged to Kanye West who, for some odd reason is pissed that his future mother-in-law would pimp his fiance and expose her to some shithead who was paid by her john to show up in blackface. Radar reports:
“He went nuclear when Kim told him someone had used the N-word in front of her and one of the guests was dressed in blackface. It was his advice to leave right away, no questions asked.”
As we previously reported, Kardashian was paid $500,000 to be his date.
“It’s not about the money. Kanye told her no more paid appearances. It was selling her soul and not worth it. How much more money does Kim need? It cheapens Kim and her brand to be paid to go to parties,” the source added.
Of course, all this is great news if you’ve ever dreamed of seeing Kanye West get murdered by an actual pimp which is exactly how this story is going to end:
We’ve also learned momager Kris Jenner is balking at West’s new demands because she gets a percentage of the paychecks her daughter collects!
“Kris gets a 10 percent cut of all deals she brokers on behalf of Kim, which means she made $50,000 off of the Austrian appearance,” the source said.
When reached for comment, Kris Jenner told me it’s $35,000 for Kim’s underwear with no promises of it being worn or even touched by her, $50,000 to touch one of Kourtney‘s boobs but Scott Disick gets to watch, and $100,000 for 45 seconds with Kylie in a canoe on international waters. I told her I only had $20 which is apparently enough for a Sasquatch-job, and I’m still not ready to talk about that. In fact, forget I even brought it up. DON’T LOOK AT ME!
Photos: Splash News
Parentally it’s your berfdays because y’all’s about to see my boy B-Bare whippin’ his dick out and pissin’ all over da police.. station toilet where my jigga did hard time for lightin’ da streets a Miami on fire with yo mama’s panties. Thirty Mile Zizzone:
Law enforcement sources tell us … they fully intend to release one more jailhouse video of the dainty jailbird … a video showing him peeing into the visible jail toilet. The judge previously ordered cops to blur Bieber’s junk before releasing it … we mean the video.
But there’s a problem … Our sources say they’re having trouble obfuscating Bieber’s genital area, because he moves as he pees. But they’re also having technical issues blurring the video.
We’re told the police tech team has been working on the problem non-stop since Tuesday.
Dat’s right, y’all. Ya don’t blur B-Bare’s syrup bottle. B-Bare’s syrup bottle blurs you. Just ask Chantel Jeffries, Selena Gomez, Miranda Kerr, Tati Neeves, Mariah Yeater, Anne Frank. All dem bitches screamed the B-Bare’s name, and soon, y’all get to have the dis sink pleasure of seeing his weapon of ass destruction live and in person. They say just to look upon it is enough to make a man’s mind go insane. Like the Bark of the Oven Mitt, for surely, Justin B-Bare’s dick-o-wang is a vessel itself unto the Lord. And, lo, shall your pussy spread for da receiving of righteousness, and a dark B-Bare will ride into dat ass until Indiana Jones be all like, “Bitch, cover your eyes! Buncha white shit ’bout to be flyin’ up in here!” For as it is written.
Boom Bip & Doseone - The Birdcatcher’s Return - http://bit.ly/1fze2kH - #RadicallTube
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Whenever I am in a public bathroom, and a burly man saunters up to the urinal next to mine, I think of Harold Ramis.#DontCrossTheStreams
Shane Radicall approves of this message. #ThatsBone